I Am Your Father, Motherfucker

I Am Your Father, Motherfucker

Autumn chortled as she sat on my bunk while counting the money from our combined efforts. "I wasn't expecting much from you to be honest," she said as she thumbed through the crisp green bills, "but you surprised me and really came through."

Sitting at the desk we shared I gave her the usual look of contempt that I typically reserved for her. "What you mean is that I made a fuck-ton more money than you did."

"Keep dreaming," she said, rolling her eyes. "I said you did okay, not great."

"You're seriously telling me you made more money than I did with your sad little lemonade stand?"

"Yes, I'm seriously telling you that my awesome sales skills beat your pathetic little lawn mowing business," Autumn said, not even trying to hide her grin.

"Bullshit!" I said. "I know I made a ton of money this summer."

"Perhaps," she said, smirking, "but I made even more. Don't worry, I'll still let you do your nasty perverted crap with whatever gynoid I decide to buy."

I turned my nose up at her. "Whatever. I don't need your stupid fembot anyway."

"Yeah, I hear you furiously beating off in the shower all the time now," Autumn said with a nasty sounding laugh. "The RINNAI tankless water system was money well spent."

"Fuck you," I said, giving her the middle finger.

"No way," she said, sneering at me. "I don't fuck relatives, unlike some people I know. That's just nasty."

"Just for that, give me back the money I gave you."

"Go fuck yourself," Autumn said. "That would be the ultimate in incest so you should love it, you freak."

"I said give me my fucking money, you little fucker!" I screamed at her.

"Better than being a motherfucker, which is what you are!" she retorted.

I grabbed the front of her t-shirt and pulled her to me until we were nose-to-nose. "GIVE ME MY FUCKING MONEY BEFORE I FUCKING POUND YOU!"

"MOM! SUMMER'S THREATENING ME!"

As if summoned by magic Mom entered our bedroom. She was calm and collected. And really, really, really fucking furious. "Give me the money, Autumn."

Autumn fell back on her default position when dealing with unpleasant situations when Mom was involved; she went into whiny mode. "But Mom...."

Mom wasn't taking Autumn's shit. "That's twice," she said flatly. "Three strikes and you're out."

Autumn handed over the money.

Mom pocketed the thick roll of bills. "When the two of you are ready to discuss the situation like rational people we will decide what will happen with this money. Now, march to the bathroom. The both of you."

That last order struck me as odd. "The bathroom?"

Mom directed her quiet wrath at me. "Yes, the bathroom. It's obvious you two are wondering what soap tastes like. So I'm going to satisfy your curiosity."

***

Some people might say that soap tastes like crap. It doesn't. In fact, soap tastes exactly like soap. After having my mouth cleaned out with soap I needed something to clean the soap out of my mouth so I headed to the STOP&SHOP for a soda.

I stood in front of the cooler for several long minutes debating the merits of different soft drinks before selecting a DR. BEPPER. Standing back up from reaching down into the cooler I felt a hand on my ass. Startled, I jumped and simultaneously spun around only to find Mrs. Henderson grinning at me.

"That's a good healthy drink," she said, pointing to the can of DR. BEPPER I was holding. I noticed she had a bottle of unsweetened LIPTON iced tea in her hand.

"Probably not any more unhealthy than a mouth full of soap," I replied. She gave me a questioning look and I explained about the aftermath

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