The Nativity of Haruhi Suzumiya [Humor, Parody, FF, MF, Futa, X-mas, nothing extreme]

Story by SleepingSword

The Nativity of Haruhi Suzumiya

Tags: Humor, Parody, FF, MF, Futa

Warning: Contains SPOILERS for the Haruhi Suzumiya anime .

Don't worry, unlike that stuff I wrote like a year ago about Haruhi, this is NOT a Guro fic. There is not one drop of blood, there is plenty of cum however.

The girl this is dedicated to knows who she is and would likely kill me if I used her name when posting this story on different erotic websites. I want you to know that thanks to you my Christmas is merry for the first time in a long time, even in spite of how physically sick I am this week . I hope this story is one of the more interesting gifts you get this year.

It’s Christmastime once again here at North High, a time for excessively cold weather, gaudy decorations, and of course Haruhi dragging the rest of us kicking and screaming into Yule-time gaiety. You would think that with all the carbon emissions the world produces just to ensure Christmas lights glow meaninglessly on every building in the developed world, global warming would offset the miserably low temperatures I’ve been experiencing but no luck.

This year Haruhi got as obsessed with Christmas as she did last year. I decided not to remind her what she had said last Christmas about wanting to celebrate the birthdays of Mohammed and Buddha, and thankfully she forgot all about it, which is just as well as I was worried she would go looking for a 6 year old wife or force us all to spend days meditating under a tree without food. Also I went through this year’s holiday season without being severely stabbed, something I am very happy about I must confess.

Instead this year Haruhi took a different approach and the SOS Brigade filmed yet another amateur movie. Once again I was stuck being cameraman and chore boy which honestly suited me just fine because if I was actually forced to act in this monstrosity of a film I would likely die of embarrassment.

…If I wasn’t lynched first.

The film that the SOS Brigade produced under the under the dubious directorial control of Haruhi was titled “The Nativity of Haruhi Suzumiya”. I’m going straight to hell for having anything to do with it.

The film opens with a montage of various scenes from throughout the film. One could argue that the clips provide spoilers for viewers of the film but that would imply that there was a coherent plot to spoil in the first place. The montage is accompanied by Miss Asahina singing a Christmas song written by Haruhi in her usual off key manner, made worse by the fact that the song is in English which Miss Asahina clearly does not speak. You can tell she poured her whole heart into it which makes me want to force myself to listen to it.

Unlike with our first film “The Adventures of Mikuru Asahina Episode: 0” rather than reusing without permission a theme song from another movie, this time Haruhi had Nagato play the keyboard in accompaniment to Asahina’s singing. I doubt Nagato had ever touched a keyboard before hand but unsurprisingly she performed the song with a virtuoso skill reminiscent of someone like Keith Emerson. It’s a shame she was born… or would it be more appropriate to say created, decades too late for her to join a Prog Rock band.

Oh and did I mention Haruhi rewrote the lyrics? Well, have a look…

Silent Ninja, Holy Shit

With a sword, And kunai knives

Round and round, The ninja star goes

Lands in your eye, Such deadly aim.

Sleep in deathly peace,

Sleep in deathly peace.

Silent ninja, holy shit

Shinobi hide, well out of sight

Poison darts, death from afar

Ninja sword gonna decapitate ya

A blood geyser is born,

A blood geyser is born.

Silent ninja, holy shit

Ninjas love to duel and fight

Put a sword in a pirate’s face

Scatter his guts all over the place,

Ninjas are so fucking cool,

Ninjas are so fucking cool.

When I asked Haruhi what the fuck ninjas had to do with Christmas she told me that Jesus was a ninja, that all of his miracles were performed using jutsus, and that the whole Shroud of Turin thing was clearly Art of Substitution. I countered that Jesus would have had to be a pirate seeing as how Pirate is the only character class that can walk on water and that a ninja could not have had nearly as much HP as Jesus would had to have had in order to survive all that torture and make it to Golgotha.

When I asked her why there was nothing else to do with ninjas in the rest of the film she told me to shut the fuck up.

After the montage there is an opening narration performed naturally by Haruhi.

“Long long ago in the faraway land of the Middle East, but back when it was ruled by Romans instead of terrorists, there lived a girl named Mary. Mary was a technical virgin despite being the most moé girl in her high school and despite being married to a man named Jose

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