A Narcissist in Heaven

There is really no point in modesty. I'm easily the most brilliant person alive today, and quite possibly of all time. Every field of scientific study has come as easily breathing to me. Chemistry, aeronautics, theoretical physics, you name it; I was a leader in the field. I invented the hovercar, the cold fusion generator, cured cancer, and proved string theory to be the most ridiculous thing to come out of the mouth of a "scientist".

If you are remotely cognitively functional, you might guess from that last statement that I don't respect my 'peers' very much. You would be only half right. I don't respect ANYONE very much. Needless to say, I am not well liked by the scientific community. I was eight when I realized that no one on this planet could hold a candle to my intellect, and have never put the slightest effort into relating to another human since.

As you can imagine, I am not the most altruistic person. All the gifts I have given the world were for my benefit alone. The best ones I kept for myself. Mine is the only fusion-powered lab I know of, and the cancer thing? Total accident. I was working on methods of rewriting DNA, and had to figure out how to reprogram white blood cells in the process. Can't change DNA with white cells attacking everything that's different, so I inadvertently cured every autoimmune disease known to man. How that got out to the public is a different story.

That reminds me. I should mention another reason I was unpopular was the fact I was a 5"1' 105lb red-haired WOMAN, and every man who was put off by that could suck it. No, that is not a typo. That WAS my physical description. Now? Well, we'll get to that eventually.

I'm writing these… memoirs, I suppose, so that future generations might find it, and benefit from a more accurate history of how incredible I, Ashley McKenzie, was. Of course, it will probably go to waste, as I plan to live forever.

It all started because I was bored. I'd invented everything I'd ever wanted. The portals made everything so easy; I almost wished I hadn't created them. Almost.

You don't know about portals? Go read A Match Made in Heaven chapter 3, asshat. Just think of the 'Portal' videogames.

For the first time in as long as I could remember, I couldn't think of anything to work on. Oh sure, there was stuff, but I just wasn't interested. After destroying space/time, I was worried I'd hit my peak; I didn't want to waste my life trying to outdo myself. A lot of scientists faded out that way.

For a while I stayed busy working on my underground lair. I guess it's really a 'lab' or maybe a 'base' but I call it a lair, it's more fun. It amused me to think what the mayor would say if she knew I'd secretly built it a mile directly underneath the city, with no zoning permits even. And if I said I'd built a fusion generator under city hall? Oh man, if I ever go mad, I could turn Heaven into a 20-mile wide sinkhole.

Good God, "Heaven", what a pretentious name for a city. If I do level it, that goes on the list of reasons.

Using portals, and robots, had made finishing up the lair a breeze. I sat around, trying to think of something awesome to work on, but I was stumped. ”Goddamn it! Why can't I think of anything!?" I yelled to the empty lab room. I slammed my head on the table. "Ow." I sighed, "So this is how it starts, right? First you're talking to yourself in a lab with hundreds of empty rooms. Then you decide to blow up the earth." I flopped bonelessly down onto the floor, "Poor earth." I shot up, "And this feeling! I'm all… edgy! How am I on edge, and bored!?" I frowned, "It's like an itch I can't scratch."

I dropped my head to my chest, and sighed again. Then I furrowed my brow, lifted an arm, and sniffed underneath. "Gah!" I coughed. Living below-ground tended to make one lose track of time. I had no clue how long it'd been since my last shower.

I heaved myself off the floor, and headed to the nearest emergency decontamination shower. I have a normal bathroom attached to my living area, but that was a quarter-mile from where I was, and I didn't have portals to that many places. Yet.

I tossed my clothes on the floor, not like there was anyone around to see me. Hell, sometimes I just forgot to

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